When someone calls you names it hurts at first but after awhile you start to believe it and accept it as a part of who you are.
Verbal Abuse hurts!
Mind your words.

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No one can hear me
No one can see me
It’s as if I’m already dead
I try screaming
I even try bleeding
But maybe I’m already dead

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My thoughts haunt me as I fall asleep. Hours ate by the monsters keeping me up at night. I turn and toss myself trying to relax but these monsters won’t stop poking me with their long sharp nails. They tear at my organs devouring them like starved children. I’m careful not to cry because that’s what they want. Once they see me cry they will dig in deeper and rip my heart out making it impossible to stop the tears from flooding my face. Once I’m asleep there is peace if only for a moment. Even in my dreams I’m being haunted but these demons are even worse. Sometimes they don’t allow me to wake up until they are finished with me. I wake up with the warm sunlight on my face but I do not react to anything. They drained me of my emotions and I’m left feeling empty. I’ve spent all my life trying to find someone to fill the whole inside. So far, all they seem to do is use me and leave. Once they got what they wanted then they run leaving me raw and bleeding. These demons are physical predators. They only use me for what I appear to be. Once they get a glimpse of the inside, they see that I’m empty and of no value.

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New diagnosis

I have suspected it was more then just anxiety and depression. Now my feelings have been confirmed. I took a test with a therapist. The results surprised me. I not only have anxiety and depression but also borderline and avoidant personality disorder. I don’t know how to react to this. What am I supposed to feel? I try not to think about it to much because if I do I know that it will lead to self defeating thoughts. To me this is more proof of my inadequacy. It shows that I’m even more flawed then I thought. I know this may not be true but when I think about it who can ever love someone with so many issues? I’m even more unlovable then before. I hate thinking about it because it brings up so much pain. How does one except something like this? How does one embrace imperfections? I act as if everything is okay but it’s not. Its far from it.

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Mind if I vent?

I feel so lost and alone.
I came out to my family a year ago. Their response was not good.
My mom freaked out and said some pretty hurtful things:
Where did I go wrong? I didn’t raise you like this!
I’m so ashamed that your my daughter!
I’m never speaking to you again!
My own daughter is a fag!

Now here at the present day, this haven’t gotten much better.
She still says things that hurt me inside:
You have a illness and you need help!
Something must have gone wrong when I gave birth to you!
If you ever need anything, I won’t be there for you!
I’d rather die then to see you marry a girl!
Why do you choose to be this way?!
You need God!
I’m going to try converting you to being normal!

When she sees gays on TV and I’m in the same room she says things that hurt me too.. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to anymore. She turns the family against me an I get ganged up on and I can’t win this battle. I’ve thought of suicide, I thought of hurting myself to see who would care.. I am angry at God! I don’t have any friends that are lgbt and so they don’t understand what I’m going through..
I’m sorry for the sob story.
Is there anyone out there that understands? Am I alone in this fight?.. I’m afraid.

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